*head into hands*

Considering that I have several finals this week, blogging tonight might not be the smartest decision, but hopefully it captures my "both feet in both worlds" heart right about now. I've been sitting here for well over an hour, writing and deleting more words whenever my hands aren't holding up my heavy mind.

I feel like I sit with my head in my hands a lot, sometimes as a result of frustration (which is usually very closely related to math or science), but most of the time just because I'm thinking and processing. It's hard to think about everything. It's hard to justify everything. It's hard to explain everything. It's risky to think and to justify and to explain, and sometimes I hold my breath a little, because I have absolutely no idea what kind of a reaction I'll get, from myself or from other people. 

I don't even know where to begin most of the time. The stories and memories break my heart, and I want it to break the hearts of others as well. I want it to resonate with people that the little boy cries all the time because he doesn't sleep at night, that the park is swept over with "pokeys" and I don't know if the little sisters live there anymore because the windows are covered in boards.

I want people to know that the happiness seems to be endless on the swings; I want people to know that there is no sweeter sound than hearing little girls sing during church and no brighter sight than seeing the huckleberry eyes dance in harmony with the ocean eyes. There are so many smiles and laughs that I can't possibly count them all: I want other people to see the beauty more than they see the broken, but I never feel like I've made the beauty outweigh the broken when I've finished explaining.

I think about my tiny four-year-old friends on the Rez during English, and I think about the Chemistry final when I'm journaling about the same four-year-old friends. It's crazy. I felt like crumbling this morning when I heard someone say that there are only 8 more days until the end of the semester; I feel the same way thinking about the fact that I won't make it to the Rez on Sunday.

Then I have to remind myself that no one said anything about it being easy. The Narnian Beavers in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe taught us that. "Course He isn't safe. But He's good."

Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. ~ C.H. Spurgeon