The Maxfields

The Maxfields

Friday, January 23, 2015

Shedding a Few Tears

There are tears today as I look at the clock just now and think of Emily.  It is 10:20 a.m. and she is finishing up her last day at Cedar Park High School.  There were tears last night at bedtime as she and I talked and prayed about today.  I thanked the Lord for giving my daughters willing hearts to leave so many things behind....special friends, favorite teachers, classes, routines we are familiar with.

Two nights ago Rachel babysat her cousins and she told me she was going to miss them so much.  I felt myself on the verge of tears.  We are going to miss grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. 

There were good-byes at co-op yesterday and tears pricked my eyes throughout most of the day.  I'm going to miss this little world I've been in.  

I think we may have just entered one of the hard parts of this journey.   The verse going through my head today is:  "Whoever loses His life for my sake, will find it,"  (Matthew 16:25).

As I'm typing this, my phone is beeping with texts.  One is from a friend saying she is praying for me and asking how am I doing?  Another friend is texting saying she is making a huge batch of spaghetti sauce and can we use some for a dinner next week.  Providential?  Absolutely.  God is amazing.  His eye is on the sparrow and I know He is watching me. 

It's time to wipe these tears off because Darren is texting me right now saying the storage PODS are on their way! 

Thank you all for walking with us, caring for us, praying for us and cheering us on.  

Monday, January 12, 2015

*head into hands*

Considering that I have several finals this week, blogging tonight might not be the smartest decision, but hopefully it captures my "both feet in both worlds" heart right about now. I've been sitting here for well over an hour, writing and deleting more words whenever my hands aren't holding up my heavy mind.

I feel like I sit with my head in my hands a lot, sometimes as a result of frustration (which is usually very closely related to math or science), but most of the time just because I'm thinking and processing. It's hard to think about everything. It's hard to justify everything. It's hard to explain everything. It's risky to think and to justify and to explain, and sometimes I hold my breath a little, because I have absolutely no idea what kind of a reaction I'll get, from myself or from other people. 

I don't even know where to begin most of the time. The stories and memories break my heart, and I want it to break the hearts of others as well. I want it to resonate with people that the little boy cries all the time because he doesn't sleep at night, that the park is swept over with "pokeys" and I don't know if the little sisters live there anymore because the windows are covered in boards.

I want people to know that the happiness seems to be endless on the swings; I want people to know that there is no sweeter sound than hearing little girls sing during church and no brighter sight than seeing the huckleberry eyes dance in harmony with the ocean eyes. There are so many smiles and laughs that I can't possibly count them all: I want other people to see the beauty more than they see the broken, but I never feel like I've made the beauty outweigh the broken when I've finished explaining.

I think about my tiny four-year-old friends on the Rez during English, and I think about the Chemistry final when I'm journaling about the same four-year-old friends. It's crazy. I felt like crumbling this morning when I heard someone say that there are only 8 more days until the end of the semester; I feel the same way thinking about the fact that I won't make it to the Rez on Sunday.

Then I have to remind myself that no one said anything about it being easy. The Narnian Beavers in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe taught us that. "Course He isn't safe. But He's good."

Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. ~ C.H. Spurgeon