Six Little Girls and My One Heart

The stars shine down in the black blue sky tonight, whispering reminders of my Father whose presence is faithful and with us even in the valley, even in the darkness. I never knew that in a single day one's heart could be filled, broken, overflowed again and blessed so freely before it begins to sting with heartache and burst with laughter and rest at the end of the day knowing that it has learned and been taught by His mighty hand on the six small girls we had in preschool church today. A paragraph for each so you can get a taste of the blessing too.

The youngest of the bunch is new to all of us and known to some as the little chipmunk that waddles into church, sleepy eyed and smiling, ready to give hugs and secretly knowing that after church we will play. She doesn't know which color crayon connects to her name. The girl smiles as she calls her brother by his traditional name, seeking him out in the crowd, unaware that the language of her people is slipping away quickly and that she's one of just a handful of children I know who uses that Sahaptin word for brother. Love flows out of this little one, and He, out of His perfect love, is showing it to me from the color queen one Sunday at a time.

Her cheeks scrunch up when she smiles and make her eyes tiny, and her voice is much softer than that of the other girls. She comes with her hair done and is eager to help pass out snacks. Her love for those around her feels unconditional when we're in that preschool classroom, and I can't help but wonder where all of us will be in ten years; she'll be thirteen, I'll be twenty-seven. Watching her love others gives me hope: hope for her generation, and hope for the Lord to work miracles in His earth.

"Now you're an Indian! I'm an Indian too, but I don't always wear feathers," is what I heard as a five-year-old stuck a peacock feather in my hair tonight while we watched four baby peacocks follow their mama across the yard. After the feather was in place, she grabbed her cousin's hand and pulled her close, their hands held, to watch the babies and mama duck under the fence and out of sight. They turned back to face me, giggling, squinty eyed as the sun set. My heart couldn't help but swell and ache all at once.

I've written about the girl whose name is music before, and I've written about the Lord's plan and purpose that is so far beyond my own, a concept my heart battles daily, moment by moment, when it comes to resting in it. He is still teaching me through the music girl. Today the lesson was one of praying for hope and joy in the life of this dear one, as well as for the thoughts of my own heart to be ones of contentment and peace in His will. In Suffering and the Sovereignty of God, John Piper writes in regard to our human questionings of God's will: "Moreover, we will not always, right now, have these answers for ourselves. But in glory the answers will be clear, when we will see Jesus face to face. Then we will see that God has indeed done all that He pleased and has done it perfectly, both for His glory and our good." Be still, my heart.

Hope and a future stick out in my
mind from Jeremiah when I think of the sand box princess. Each night this week she's asked to play in the sand. After we run fast to reach the edge of the grass, our sandals come off and we jump into the dusty ground that is warm in between our toes. She offers to build me something, all the while eager to share the buckets and shovels with me, because "Sharing is nice," as she tells me herself. Her mind is wild with imaginings and as her Elsa braids blow in the wind, I'm reminded of His miraculous grace. Lord is using her in my life to teach me even more about the ever-present balance between brokenness and beauty.

She comes, hair crazy in a mad pigtail attempt but too short to fit into the ponytails, ready to sit in a lap and be loved. She talks more now than I've ever known her to before, and her words hold a lovely trio of care, laughter, and sass. Her face is lit up in every single picture I've seen of her, and she's who I picture when I hear the truth that joy comes in the morning.

I can't think back far enough to when I didn't know these six girls and more like them. There are at least fifteen names on our role sheet, and we get to taste His love in a new way each Sunday with a different handful of them there with us. I am truly prone to wander, but He has taken my heart and sealed it, and it's so full of preschool love.

Unsettled & Learning Lessons

2015....a year to never forget.  We have been somewhat "unsettled" for 6 months now.

People ask what has been the hardest thing about this transition and so far; I think feeling unsettled is my answer.  We have been renting an older double wide home for 4 months now.  It was the only home we could find available to rent.  

The first couple of days we were in it, I would get overwhelmed and tell Darren, Emily and Rachel I wasn't sure I could do this.  I wasn't sure I could live here.  Mice poo in almost every cupboard, closet or shelf.  Dirty walls.  A dead rat in one closet.  Hearing mice in the walls at night.  No screens on the windows.  No air-conditioning.  Ants.  Earwigs.  Spiders.  Oh my!  

As the days went by, I would occasionally say, "this house might be growing on me" just to get a laugh.  And we have had lots of laughs over many things about this house....we even named the llamas outside our windows.  Darren bought a roll of screen at Walmart and duct taped it up onto 3 windows so we could have airflow.  It looks ugly, but it works.  I learned how to find a dead mouse in a cupboard and be okay with it.  I can now squish bugs on the kitchen floor with my bare feet.  We have learned to share one bathroom.  I learned to make popcorn on a stove that doesn't work very well.  I can actually live without a microwave, a garbage disposal or cable TV.  And guess what?  We could actually live with just one third of our stuff.

More importantly, I began to embrace that this is right where Jesus wanted us.  He allowed us to live in this double wide home which is far nicer than many we serve here on the reservation.  I needed to live it to get a glimpse of the poverty some experience.  And then, as some of you know, the electric company turned off our power on a Friday afternoon and we learned what it feels like to have no power.  It's a scary, hopeless feeling.  Food in the fridge goes bad.  It feels eerie and dark in the house. 

Would you believe that this past Tuesday night, one of the youth told me their power was off at their house?   The power bill was overdue.  The food in their fridge was going bad there was nothing to drink.  My heart felt a kindred sympathy and sadness.  I whispered to Jesus, "I understand now."  I don't know when their power will go back on. And I know most people here on the reservation would not have the resources we had to deal with it.  Our power outage was short lived. We stayed with my aunt and uncle for a few nights.  Our food was able to be salvaged.

What I've shared here is only a speck of what some are going through here on this reservation, but I'm thankful for the tiny glimpses and things Jesus is teaching me during this unsettled time.    

"My Power is Made Perfect in Weakness"

A lot of thoughts in my head today. I had a real good Lord's Day today in spite of not being in the Word much the last week or so. But to be in worship this morning and hear the Word preached and take part in communion with my brothers and sisters in Christ can do wonders.

At the beginning of May I started a new little Bible study "program" that I developed after reading a couple books summarizing the prayer life and Bible study life of our Puritan Fathers. You can see the books here, #4 and #5. I love what I'm doing right now, but the last couple weeks I haven't been able to be as diligent as  I'd like. As God's Word is wont to do, I was blown away today.

I was reading II Corinthians 12 and verses 9-10 are mind blowing.

"But he (God) said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Lately, I felt my tension and stress level going up a bit. A tell-tale sign of this is when I start playing music louder and louder and its not the calm stuff. For some reason it is a stress reliever for me.

I think the stress has partly to do with economic development research I'm doing. It is actually going pretty well. I feel a plan coming together and a course of action. But with that progress comes stress - is it the right plan? what will people in the community (and outside the community) think?, what do I really know about this stuff?, with all the issues here will anything actually work?, what can I do that hasn't been tried already?, etc, etc. In short, what do I know?

The stress is also related to what is happening on this Reservation. It is heartbreaking. Have you ever heard of the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) Study the CDC did several years ago. You can read about it here. Warning: The results of the study are not pretty and implications disturbing. In short, childhood trauma has a direct link to adult mental and medical problems. We know that children on this Reservation are living in a constant state of trauma. It is wreaking havoc on them now and will continue to do so.

Let me tell you about my friend. He's probably 5. He has the classic facial structure, physiological signs and behavioral signs of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. He lives in a house with at least 9 kids living in it from I don't know how many different families. I don't know what is happening in this house and I don't want to know. I got to spend a couple hours a day with him last week. I won't see him until next week. What will happen in the mean-time?

I was also reading Psalm 19 today.

The heavens declare the glory of God,

and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.

  Day to day pours out speech,

and night to night reveals knowledge.

  There is no speech, nor are there words,

whose voice is not heard.

  Their voice goes out through all the earth,

and their words to the end of the world.

In them he has set a tent for the sun,

  which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber,

and, like a strong man, runs its course with joy.

  Its rising is from the end of the heavens,

and its circuit to the end of them,

and there is nothing hidden from its heat.

 The law of the Lord is perfect,

reviving the soul;

the testimony of the Lord is sure,

making wise the simple;

 the precepts of the Lord are right,

rejoicing the heart;

the commandment of the Lord is pure,

enlightening the eyes;

  the fear of the Lord is clean,

enduring forever;

the rules of the Lord are true,

and righteous altogether.

More to be desired are they than gold,

even much fine gold;

sweeter also than honey

and drippings of the honeycomb.

 Moreover, by them is your servant warned;

in keeping them there is great reward.

 Who can discern his errors?

Declare me innocent from hidden faults.

 Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins;

let them not have dominion over me!

Then I shall be blameless,

and innocent of great transgression.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart

be acceptable in your sight,

O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Really, my stress is because I think I have some control over any of this. I think I have some ability to actually affect the economic realities here on the Reservation. I think I have some ability to effect change in the life of this little boy. I think I have something to boast about.

Give me a break! What can I do in this situation, but go to God. As He says in II Corinthians, His grace is sufficient. Sufficient for me, this little boy and this Reservation. Christ has been working on this Reservation long before I ever got here and He will work long after I leave. The weaker I am, the more Christ will be glorified when He accomplishes His work here in this place.

How thankful I am that it doesn't depend on me. The creator of the Universe, the One that sets the course of the stars, who has revealed Himself through His innerrent, infallible Word, is active in my life and in this place!

What other response can I have but to echo God's Word:

Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart

be acceptable in your sight,

O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Facing the Battle

Getting used to 100 degree weather every day is not my favorite. Waking up at 7 each morning in the summer isn’t either. Facing daily battles of doubt brought on by the enemy is definitely not easy. Observing and processing extreme poverty in lives that I love dearly has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. 

However, my favorite thing about moving, my first choice of anything I could be doing, is seeing God working through me and using me in visible ways. Not many fourteen-year-olds get to observe and live that. Teaching Christ’s love is by far the biggest blessing I have experienced. My faith is being refined and tested, and I’m learning more every day. At church last Sunday, a nine-year-old from the small group that I help lead asked me, “Rachel, if we believe in God, do we have to believe in the devil?” A little panic shot through me. My answer was something like, “well, we know from the Bible that Jesus died for our sin and the devil tempts us to sin. We do believe that the devil is real, but we don’t believe in him. We believe and trust in God because we know that he died to free us from the devil.”

How often do fourteen-year-olds get to answer questions like that? 

Please pray for more opportunities for questions like these and wisdom for answers. 

A day in the life . . .

As you might imagine, we've had quite the eventful last few weeks. So many different events, thoughts, discussions, laughs, cries (and you name it) that it's hard to remember everything and be able to communicate just what I think about it all.

But I'll start by just giving a run-down of some of the different things:

• The best purchase ever - portable air conditioner for the rental house.
• Which then became worthless when the power company turned off the electricity with the temperature up over 100 degrees (because the electric bill didn't get paid and no one gave any warning or notice and then we found out about it at the end of day Friday and they won't come turn it back on until the end of day Monday and if the lady on the phone at the power company hadn't been so nice telling me the power wouldn't be on for 3 days I might have lost it.)
• Helped put up my first teepee.
• Stranded on Hwy 97 when my distributor cap went bad (praise God that the AAA tow guy was only 10 minutes away - for once.)
• 2 great summer team weeks with teams from all over the country coming to serve on the Rez.
• Flat tires on two separate vehicles (we got one on the way to pick up my car at the shop.)
• Rachel has been helping out at Sacred Road, working alongside the interns, becoming friends with everyone.
• One duck blown to bits when it ran into the road right in front of me. Don't worry, it died instantly. You should have seen all the feathers.
• We made an offer on a house that was accepted and pending all the rest of the stuff needed when buying a house, we should be in it by mid-August.
• Spent 2 weeks cleaning up a very dirty, gross double wide rental.
• I turned 44 and was given this t-shirt by Fishii. It's awesome. I also got a cool Bolo tie featuring real Native American beading made by someone here on the Rez.
• One new set of tires on a vehicle.
• Emily began working as an intern for Sacred Road this summer and loves getting to know people better.
• Was terribly disappointed when I found out that the 3 llamas and 1 goat owned by the neighbor wouldn't eat the bizarre vegetation growing in our yard at the rental and I was going to have to mow it myself all summer.
• The big smile and wave from one of my buddies at Kid's Club.
• One bird blown to bits by another driver in our family and still in the grill of the car - because I'm the only one that can take it out apparently.
• Progress being made as we research economic development alternatives, opportunities and approaches.
• Learned the feeling of panic when I realize I forgot to take my daily Claritin pill and I'm nowhere near home where the army size box of additional pills are.
• Several great Kid's Club days spent playing with great kids.
• Wondering why there is a helicopter hovering over our house constantly at 3.00 am. Then realizing it is the apple orchard wind fan that turns on when the temperature gets too low.
• Our first Pow Wow and Treaty Days Rodeo.
• Some guy pounding on the door at 5 am asking for the previous tenant while I was across the country on a trip
• Many examples of the Lord providing comfort, encouragement and strength.

Why do I tell you all this? I think maybe its some form of therapy. But more importantly, we need your prayers.

We are all learning a lot. Things like, how the ministry works, what our individual roles will be, how I will divide up my time between operational items and economic development and ministry, how to live with 2/3 of all our belongings in storage, how we can rock the boat as least as possible as we join this team, and a ton of other things.

And we are loving it! We know this is where we are supposed to be and are encouraged daily.

But that doesn't mean it's all easy and that there aren't obstacles.

But, as Emily put so well in an post earlier this week, God is Sovereign.

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, not anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:31-32, 37-39

He is Sovereign.

My heart has felt heavy this past week: overwhelmed, weighed down by the brokenness of this earth. I've journaled daily and finished each page disappointed at my own ability to put my thoughts into words. It seemed that each day this past week the Enemy worked hard to bring me down, to put lies into my head and bring me to doubt God's goodness and His will. I'm learning that like most things out here, you can't be prepared for what you'll encounter, no matter how hard you or others try. It's not a matter of anyone not doing a good enough job; it's a matter of God working in our lives.

I watched a little one distance herself from me at church over the past couple of Sundays: no longer does she want to sit with me or listen to me. This week alone I watched her detach herself from me almost completely and reattach herself to someone else in the span of five days. No longer did she seek me out or smile at me when I called her name. It felt like she left me in the dust without looking back.

The fact that I know this kind of behavior is common doesn't change the fact that it hurts. It hurts badly. I found myself in tears Thursday evening, asking myself questions. Why did she attach to someone else? What did I do wrong? What did she want from someone else that I couldn't give her? Why wasn't I enough?

But as I continued to journal and read and process and talk with other members of our summer staff, I realized that I was asking the wrong questions, that it's not about me being enough. It's not about me doing anything. It hurts, and it's not about me.

It's about the Lord working in the lives of all of us.

He is still teaching me to look to Him and to give Him the praise for these relationships and blessings, to rely on Him. He is still showing me that I am not the one doing anything, but that He is the One working all things for His glory.

He is teaching the girl whose name is music about His love for her that never fails and never changes. He is showing her that He is good no matter what.

He is teaching all of us that He ordains everything according to His will. He is teaching all of us that He is sovereign.

Thanks be to God that He is all I have
And if I have Him not, I have nothing at all
Nothing at all.
     Dom Julian of St. Benet's Hall

Abounding in the Work of the Lord

Wow. It feels like we were packing up our house a month ago. As we near our three month mark of living in Yakama, I thought I'd share pictures and glimpses of our time so far. There is no doubt that these past three months have been some of the most eventful of our lives. Even though some of these weeks have had their ups and downs, I feel very secure in my calling here.

The first team of the summer has arrived and we are starting with worksites and kids club this morning. Craziness is picking up and we have a lot to look forward to. If you're planning to come visit this summer, we're looking forward to seeing you!

The following passages of Scripture have been especially meaningful in my time here so far.

Isaiah 40:31 "But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

1 Corinthians 15:58 "Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."

2 Corinthians 12:10 "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Here is a slideshow of pictures and memories from our first three months.