Filled

If I'm honest, I left for college at the end of the summer so worn out. I left exhausted and overwhelmed by the needs of my kids and worried about when I'd come back and for how long. I knew that as sad as I was to leave for college, the Lord wasn't calling me to stay on the rez. I know He wants me here in Idaho.

I was only here for two days before I realized that I had no idea how spiritually dry I had been. Being at church to sit in the pew and worship without scanning the isle for itchy heads and teary eyes made my heart ache so badly and at the same time felt like something I'd missed. I'm a month in and it still feels almost like a luxury. I sit there taking notes frantically and feeling like I need to soak it all in.
NNU offers chapel three times a week and student led worship on Wednesday nights and I've been to every single one of all of them; I sit there soaking all of it in, too, letting myself be filled up again and again and coming away each time more thankful for my Father's grace. My professors pray and read Scripture at the beginning of almost all of my classes and I'm getting more of His grace there too.

For He satisfies the longing soul,
and the hungry soul He fills with good things.
Psalm 107:9

I'm filled to the point where I feel so full and I'm tempted to wonder how the Lord could possibly fill me more, but He does and it is so good! I've struggled a little with feeling guilty for being so full. I don't feel like I'm pouring myself back out, out of that fullness. Shouldn't now be the time that I'm able to pour myself back out, now that I'm so full? is the question I've asked over and over these past few weeks.

Return, O my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
Psalm 116:7

Fall break has been this weekend. I've needed this time to think about the past couple of years and also the future, and the Lord has blessed it. I'm realizing that as much as I miss the rez, I need this time for my soul to rest and be refreshed. I'm realizing that although college is a calling and a ministry in and of itself, this season of my life doesn't look anything like the first and that's okay. It's good, even. Jesus himself spent 30 years of preparation before His 3 years of ministry. I can say with confidence that the Lord is having His will and that He is preparing me for the next season of ministry.

It is well with my soul.